The One About Friendship and Middle-Aged Men in Lycra

Dear West Family

We have been so thankful for your love and support of the Lester family over the last couple of weeks. For those who don’t know, Sue’s sister passed away suddenly and her father remains in a serious condition in a hospital in South Africa. This meant getting Sue on a plane to Johannesburg which we were very grateful to be able to do, and she is still there and will be there for a couple more weeks, God willing.

All this has had me thinking about friendship. There is a painful proverb which says, “Better is a neighbor who is near than a brother who is far away.” (Proverbs 27:10b) As someone who lives with both of his brothers very far away, this has rung true. There is just something irreplaceable about physical presence and proximity. You simply cannot match it, try as you might. This has convicted me in thinking about what sort of friend and neighbor I am to those who are close (geographically) to me. Am I the sort of person who just shows up and is available as a friend? I am afraid that all too often, I am not. As I have been thinking about the reasons for that, I have realized that one of the factors is a fear of failure that comes from a desire to absolutely “crush it” as a friend. I want to be the kind of person who is helpful and who is able to fix things and so when I think about how I will handle difficulty in the lives of my friends, sometimes I just stay away because I don’t believe that I will be helpful. I set a high bar for friendship and then don’t attempt to clear it in fear that I will fail. Does anyone identify with that? And so we protect ourselves with well-meaning but often self-protective mechanisms like saying “I will pray for you” instead of just praying for them right there and then, or by making honest offers along the lines  of “let me know if there is anything I can do” instead of just doing something that you know will be helpful without having to be asked. 

Gosh, now I am convicted.

As I prayed this through this morning, I remembered an image that sticks in my brain from an event that took place about 10 years ago. For some reason, in my early thirties, I decided that I should become a mountain biker. I mean … how hard can it be? Surely riding a bike, is well, like, riding a bike? 

It isn’t.

I joined some friends on a borrowed bike (and without padded shorts) for what I thought would be a super chill 30km (18 mile) off-road loop. 

I nearly died. 

As we were making our way home, in the final couple of miles - which were obviously steeply uphill - a friend of mine taught me a lesson in helpful friendship that I will never forget. He noticed that I was struggling and he cycled up next to me and did the simplest of things. 

He placed his hand lightly on my back.

I don’t know if you have ever experienced this while cycling, but it is transformational. His very small assistance felt like it gave me a 40% boost. He got me up the hill and it felt like he carried most of the load, when in reality he just gave me the slightest bit of help to get through a threshold that I thought I couldn’t cross.

When we got to the finish, I lay down for a bit and tried to persuade my insides to remain inside, but when my vision came back I realized that I had just witnessed one of the greatest pictures of helpful friendship possible. He could have seen me struggling, but assumed that I needed him to carry me and my bike to the finish, which would have been too much to ask and too much to bear. Instead, he drew alongside me, and did the small bit he could do to get me through. I’ll never forget it.

Who in your life could use the slightest bit of help through a present friend? Ask the Spirit to show you, and then just show up. It may feel like you are doing very little, but as you draw alongside them, you may be the light touch on the back that gets them up the hill. 

9 Two are better than one, because they have a good reward for their toil. 10 For if they fall, one will lift up his fellow. But woe to him who is alone when he falls and has not another to lift him up!  - Ec 4:9–10 (ESV)

One last thing. The song this week is one of my favorites of all time. It is the best rock band in the world at their best. Sometimes you can’t make it on your own. It’s true.

U2 - Sometimes You Can't Make It on Your Own (Chicago 2005 Live)

See you Sunday.

Ross