Learning From My Mother: On Her 75th Birthday
When you live long enough to realize that the world isn’t all about you, then you begin to understand that every person around you has a fascinating story, a story worthy of a slow and attentive hearing, one filled with lessons to learn from if we would only ask.
This realization is particularly stark when you realize that it is true of your parents. Parents are people, with stories (for good and for bad), and not all of their life was taken up with you. They had, and still have - if they are alive - hopes, fears, dreams, insecurities, regrets, secrets, desires, hurts, and all the other things that exist in people’s inner worlds.
As my parents, and my parents in law have gotten older, I have become more and more interested in their lives and stories. This has led to a few really powerful conversations with my mother, where I have learned many things about her and from her. She has lived, and continues to live, a fascinating life, and so, today, on her 75th birthday, I wanted to share some little bits of that story with others. What follows are simply some questions that I asked my mom about her life, and the answers she gave. I will add one or two comments for context.
Happy birthday Mom. Today I honor your life and your story. We love you very much.
My mother, Dr Barbara Ann Lester (nee Lochhead), was born in Johannesburg, South Africa, on the 6th of January, 1948. She was born a Lochhead, one of three children of Thomas Roy Lochhead and Thelma Agnes Lochhead (nee Thompson.) Her mom died tragically in 1965 at just 37, and her father died at just 49 after a complex life and long struggle with alcoholism. Her sister Heather is still alive, and her younger brother, Grant, was killed in an accident in 1982. He was just 23 years old.
My mom trained and qualified as a Registered Nurse and spent most of her life working in the nursing field, later going on to be a professor (and now Professor Emeritus) of nursing. She married my father, Errol Lester, on the 7th of November 1970. Together, they had four children, three boys and a girl, and they are now grandparents to 9 whose ages range from 7 to 20.
Barbara Lochhead as a young child. Johannesburg, early 1950’s.
Ross: You lost your mom at a young age. What are your memories of that experience?
Barbara: My mother died when I was 17. She was just 37. As long as I can remember she lived with pain related to eating. She was painfully thin and I can recall her eating Marie (traditional South African dry biscuits) biscuits with warm milk to make her aching stomach feel better. She had extensive surgery and they removed a large portion of her stomach; and I do think that she would have had a diagnosis of Crohn’s Disease today. So subsequent to this she was often on pain pills which were so hard on her kidneys. She went into acute renal failure and was gone that same day. On post mortem they discovered that she only had one functional kidney, the right kidney was shriveled and non existent. I was at a church day camp that weekend and was devastated to come home to the news that she had died on the Saturday afternoon. My relative, Kenny, had been to the hospital to see her and he made the official identification.
No one discussed her death with Heather (sister) and I and we did not have a voice in the memorial service for her either.
As a teenager, Heather and I were what could be called disenfranchised grievers. We were expected to suck it up and get on with it. I was writing final High School exams when she died, and no one asked if I was doing okay. I can remember writing the biology final and sat and cried the whole way through the exam, totally overcome with grief. No educator demonstrated any concern although they knew we had buried my mother that same week. This subject was vital for me to get into college, and it was a subject I usually excelled at. I had to rewrite needless to say. This experience taught me use empathy and thoughtfulness when dealing with students and co workers later in my professional life.
I think both my sister and I battled to get closure on this loss because we never got to say goodbye. One minute she was there and then she was gone. I often think about my gran who was to lose a daughter and husband within six months of each other and I don’t think she received much in the way of support during the grieving process.
Sweet 16. 1964.
Ross: You grew up in South Africa at the height of apartheid (the government policy of segregation and subjugation of black South Africans.) What was that like? What are some of your memories of that era?
Barbara: Both dad and I were born in a period that was both dark and really enlightening. We grew up in English speaking homes in a period called the apartheid period. My first political experience was when I was in primary (elementary) school, and the Nationalist government of the day had a referendum about becoming a Republic, and no longer being part of the British Commonwealth. I do not know a huge amount about my parents and grandparents’ beliefs, but I do know they voted “no” in this particular referendum. Both of my grandparents had significant UK roots and were proud to be in the Commonwealth. In fact, Grandpa Lochhead had a very broad Scots accent and nothing would rile him more than people pronouncing the name Lockhead with a heavy emphasis on the k. He would erupt and mutter, “it is Lochhead, man, Lochhead” and the head would sound like “heed”. Now I am not sure that my grandparents were vehemently opposed to Hendricks Verwoerd’s racist politics at the time (they would become so later) but their vote did have political implications.
You must remember that because of segregation in everything and censorship of the press, as kids we were hardly aware of the awfulness of it. However, I can vividly recall when I was about 12 years old some discussions about the newspaper the Rand Daily Mail. Gran and Grandpa Thompson read the RDM each morning and this put them at odds with some family and some friends who deemed it “communist” because it was uncovering the evils of apartheid. The Chief Editor was a man named Donald Woods and he eventually had to flee the country because the security forces were looking for him. I was grateful for these conversations at the time because I realize it began to shape my thinking. They were members of the United Party too which was in opposition to the Nationalist party who were most of the white government. They used to volunteer at the voting booth, and I suspect supported the UP financially. To a large degree, language also divided us and we were a very English speaking family, proud of our Scottish heritage. As a teenager I used to hear a lot about Helen Suzman and that was helpful. She was our local MP and a lawyer who stood fiercely against apartheid and for years tried to get Nelson Mandela freed. She spent a large part of her life under house arrest.
As strange as it sounds, we grew up in an era where almost all white folks had servants, and because of the apartheid laws, most of the interactions that white people had with black people were within the master and servant dynamic. We had a dear lady called “Miss Phyllis”. I thought she was very pretty and really interesting. I loved spending time in her room with her late afternoon. The other “servant” who was so influential in our lives was a dear, dear, lady, Selina. She had come from the rural homelands as young woman to seek work and she spoke no English at all. Grandpa Thompson spoke very fluent Zulu as he had worked on the mines, underground for so many years. He taught her English and largely instructed her in the keeping of the house as well as how to cook. I cannot ever recall him raising his voice to her, which was sadly extremely rare in the day. They had this special relationship and when he got sick, she was so kind with him. Selina stayed with them as a family for 47 years and in the last few years the dear lady could hardly walk. She also knew that she could boss me around and when she wanted something such as vacation time, or a new item for the house, she would call me “Barbie you must tell them that I want to go for two weeks.” She would also call me and tell me to bring the machine to wash the carpets; I never once had the courage to tell her no, so, I would pack up the Hoover and drive to their home and clean the carpets. I always got the hands on the hips, and commentary on the job. She died not long after she retired. She was a dear part of our family and history.
There is a complexity to looking back to life in those times. It was great for us as white SA kids, but we did not know or understand the grievous behavior of the government of the system until we got into our teens. We did experience the prejudice of English versus Afrikaans. We were forced to learn Afrikaans, and everything was seen as superior in Afrikaans. It dictated what we learnt at school, what holidays were celebrated, what version of history was elevated etc. Afrikaans kids never played with us “rooinecks” (Afrikaans for red-necks which was used as a pejorative against white, English, South Africans). It was also my first experience of so-called Christian Nationalism. The Afrikaners in power truly felt that they were blessed by God and so they kept a deep respect for church, the scriptures and Christian values. They did not however believe that black people had a soul and so there would be no black people in heaven. This is the doctrine that formed the justification for the legislation that kept black people subjugated. As a result, I am still so weary of Christian Nationalism today.
Getting her driver’s license. 1966.
Ross: What would you like to say to your 25-year old self?
Barbara: Be more tolerant of people who are different or who hold different values. At that age things were very black and white to me and this was encouraged by the society and also the church we were in. I think it would have made me more kind to have a broader view of others.
A young nursing sister.
Ross: What do you consider to be your greatest achievement?
Barbara: I would have to say my children. I worked hard at motherhood. I hope the children appreciate that when we are gone. I think I have also been a good wife. Our marriage survived some hard things and I never felt I could walk away from it and I am glad I never did.
Wedding day, 7 November, 1970.
Ross: Do you have any significant regrets you would be happy to share?
Barbara: One of the things I truly regret is that I did not ask my grandparents and parents questions of a more personal nature. How did they meet, was it love at first sight? Did their parents approve and so on? I think it would have made for a more meaningful relationship. This would have been the case with my in-laws as well. It is probably the reason that I have spent time doing ancestry research as I have developed more curiosity about my family.
Ross: You have had some seasons of significant suffering. Want to share what some of those were and how God got you through them?
Added note from Ross. My dad got extremely sick in September of 2001. He got a severe case of Encephalitis while traveling in Australia and New Zealand. He never should have survived and it is a miracle that he is still with us today. The aftermath of his hospital stay was a brutal season of recovery in which he basically had to relearn everything in his life. My mom was a faithful nurse to him, who stayed by his side through rehab and his miraculous but grueling recovery.
Barbara: I have to say that dads traumatic brain injury in 2001 was one of the hardest experiences; in many ways it surpassed the losses of a parents and brother. The devastating injury left me with a different husband in many ways. I don’t think anyone other than Tracey knew how hard this journey was as we walked the road to recovery and renewal. We learned to love the new Errol as he grappled with the memory, language and skills loss. I think at times both of us felt somewhat judged by family and friends who would ignorantly make comments about being more patient with him…that was hurtful, but we know the intent was good. It was exhausting and time consuming, teaching him to read and to create new memories and associations which would help connect to his past. The hardest loss for me was dad losing his knowledge of the scriptures. I can remember being so angry with God at the time. He had gone from knowing whole passages of this scripture by memory and had such a significant knowledge of the word to not knowing that the bible had an Old Testament and New Testament, let alone knowing the books of the bible. It seemed to be at the time, in my exhaustion and weakness that God was being cruel in a sense. Max Lucado’s book, In the Eye of the Storm” was so helpful in teaching me that the Lord understood my anger and fear. God also brought us a caring church family who truly helped us through this dark period. One of the habits we developed to overcome this loss, was that we started to read through the bible each year; it has been wonderful to see how things have come back to dad during these readings. When we first started, he could not read the names coherently and so for the first two years, I did the readings each night. We have maintained this habit for more than two decades. That is binding for a couple.
I still miss some of the things that first attracted me to him, his love of reading, his curiosity and his creativity. That said, the newer version is kinder and more caring and affectionate. A blessing indeed.
Errol and Barbara on their 52nd wedding anniversary.
Ross: What is God teaching you at the moment?
Barbara: I think to be grateful for how blessed we are at this stage of our lives. God is good and faithful. I think we should be careful to not take things for granted.
Ross: What would you hope that your great grandkids would say about you?
Barbara: I hope we will be remembered as people who were kind, and who were generous with their time.
Dr Lester! Receiving her PHD.
Ross: You have always had a great sense of drive and a desire to learn and to succeed. And you had four kids! How would you encourage a young family (especially young moms) just starting out who are busy and swamped with kids and the stresses of life?
Barbara: I think being kind to yourself a little helps. I do think learning to have an interest beyond the everyday grind of kids schedules is also helpful. I found reading helped enormously in this regard. I can remember doing a seamstress course which was something that was just for me. I also did several baking classes. While I developed extra skills, it meant I was mixing with adults.
Knowing you are not perfect but then neither are your kids and so leaving grace for that.
Trusting God as sovereign in His plans for your kids. It can be tough.
One of my favorite pictures of my mom. She still makes Katie laugh like this.
Ross: What are you hoping for in your life in 2023 and beyond?
Barbara: To be more grateful each bonus day we are given. I love this thought from Melody Beattie.
Gratitude unlocks the fullness of life
It turns what we have into enough, and more
It turns denial into acceptance, chaos to order, confusion to clarity
It can turn a meal into a feast, a house into a home, a stranger into a friend.
Gratitude makes sense of our past, brings peace for today, and creates a vision for tomorrow
