Friends With the Flock: The Difficulty and Necessity of Building Friendships With Those You Are Called to Lead (Part 2)
A couple of weeks ago I wrote part one of this reflection which focused on the obstacles to deep friendship that I have experienced as a pastor. I received a lot of feedback from that post, and I am grateful for that. Much of that feedback was from fellow pastors or former pastors or others who work/have worked full time in ministry. There was clearly some resonance there.
Some of the feedback has been a little different though, and I welcome that. Some have noted that pastors haven’t been the greatest friends to them. I don’t doubt that, and I am well aware that I am hard work for my friends. Some have noted that friendship is difficult regardless of the role that one plays in a community. I don’t doubt that either. Some have (out of sympathy) suggested that I have had poor friends and it is there that I feel a need to push back.
I have an embarrassment of riches when it comes to friends. Though the 13 obstacles that I mentioned are real and significant, I have friends who haven’t just fought to overcome those obstacles but who have pretty much knocked the obstacles down in a relentless and loving pursuit of me as a person. I have more friends than I deserve. I have better friends than I should have based off of my effort toward them.
I also wanted to add that I cherish friendship and see it as one of life’s most valuable pursuits. I read somewhere recently that true friendship is like a sacrament of sorts, and I think I agree with that. Friendship, well practiced, is a spiritually formative reminder of the love and grace of Christ manifested in and through the loving presence, patience, and pursuit of His image bearers. One can’t help but feel the presence of Christ when a friends shows you grace at your least lovable. It is a very Christ-like thing to do. It has happened to me many times and continues to happen to me in the life of the church that I get to be part of today.
I am blessed by my friends.
And yet, I remain persuaded that my job makes those friendships harder and not easier, but I am determined to press through to love friends as they really are and to allow them to do the same for me. I am finding that being aware of the obstacles I mentioned actually makes it easier to overcome them, and easier to press on in the midst of what feels like failure or occasional rejection and hurt. Because of that, and because of my conviction that friendship is essential in Christian formation, here are some of the ways that I attempt to overcome the obstacles from part one.
Your schedules wont align - So work hard on planning your calendar
Plan good time with good friends long in advance and then lock it in on your calendar and protect it. This way you can give them your best time, and can schedule other things (like preaching) so that you know you can manage energy and distraction well. Also, don’t allow the tyranny of near stranger’s sense of urgency to take the time from your friends. People will have pastoral emergencies but in most cases they won’t be nearly as urgent as the person feels they are. Often we jump in because of our own need to feel needed in the moment just as much as the real need for someone to actually be there. This doesn’t mean that you should be pastorally unavailable. My entire congregation had access to my calendar and can book a time to see me. I just manage that calendar well so that I know have energy for those who give me so much energy back in return.
A lot of your work will be under scrutiny and critique - So tell your friends when you don’t want to talk about work
Your friends care about the church. That’s good. But it isn’t work for them and it is for you. One of the most helpful things that I have done with close friends is to simply be vulnerable enough to ask them to refrain from church talk occasionally so that my heart and mind could just enjoy their lives without having to dissect the thing that it is so interwoven with mine.
You will get ghosted a ton - So lean into the relationships that won’t do that to you
I have some friendships that are more than three decades old, and these need to the places of my deepest friendship connections as they are the ones that are anchored on something more stable than shared moments of intensity, trauma, or co-laboring. I love that I get the privilege of being able to intersect people’s lives in some of their best and worst moments. What a privilege that is! But I am learning that it doesn’t always forge the best friendships and that is okay when you are secure in that going in. I am changing my expectations of what people want from me and for me when they call me as a pastor.
There is a gap between the pulpit and your living room - So fight hard to shrink it
Be more vulnerable in the pulpit and be more available with your people. This means that they get to experience you more and more as you really are and not as the caricature that the stage inevitably turns you into. Fewer green rooms, more living rooms. Let people see you in your home, in sweats, grumpy and a bit tired. It’s okay, and if it isn’t, well then they have a weird idea of who you are and probably aren’t looking to be your friend.
Sometimes it will feel like your preaching is directed at them - So don’t do that
Your sermons should be as safe for your friends as they are to anyone else. To be clear, great sermons shouldn’t be all that safe for anyone, but your friends and family shouldn’t have to wince at your illustrations and applications. The people around you need to know that your friendships will be sacred spaces that won’t be broadcast without their permission. I have made too many mistakes here to count. Your friends aren’t sermon material. They’re your friends.
You’ll want to protect your family from expectations - And you should
I don’t have this one solved yet. We still have a young family and we are figuring it out. The way that I currently approach it is that I like my family to be treated like any other church member families, with the same expectations of them and for them. Some pastors lead their churches like family empires, and I really don’t like that. Let them feel the full benefit and the full risk of real church communities where they get to serve, lead, worship, fail, and receive grace like anyone else would.
Failure feels fatal - So practice the risk of repentance
It is risky to repent in community. It is risky for pastors, to be sure, but it also risky for everyone. There are no guarantees that this won’t be used against you, but it is still worth it to be the person known for rapid and real repentance even over “small sins.” This - in my opinion - is the best way to keep you from having to publicly repent of the big disqualifying sin later on.
You will have to pastor them and they won’t always want that - So do it anyway
This is real time for me. I don’t like the dynamic but it is necessary sometimes that friends are called to repentance and a return to holiness through a loving but clear shepherd. You’re a bad friend if you wimp out. They aren’t real friends if they don’t receive it. Be brave.
Money might get weird - So be disarmingly unweird about it
I have learned the hard way to simply speak about money, especially with people who have lots of it. I am glad to tell my friends what I make and I ask them for input on how to be faithful with that. I simply then ask that they return that favor of accountability and vulnerability. This isn’t a power play, but the faithful pursuit of a friend who doesn’t want any of his friends to try to be the exception to Jesus’ clear instruction that you can’t serve God and money. Money is such a big part of our lives and yet so many friends never speak about it which means that they don’t share a huge part of their lives!
Disagreement over church will feel personal and very difficult for them to navigate - So ask for radical candor in the context of relationship
You want your friends at the church to be able to disagree and to push back without them feeling like they are putting the friendship on the line. So, invite them in to conversations earlier and ask them to be radically candid, and then do your best to not be too defensive, even if their ideas are stupid. You can hopefully show them their stupidity over time in the safety of community. :)
You can’t give the same amount of yourself to everyone - So see point 1
Plan your calendar! I use an online tool like calend.ly so that the congregation has free and ready access to my time, but it also allows me to plan time well in advance that I can secure for family and friends.
Pastoral burden is unique, not in its weight, but in its shape - So don’t carry it alone
Lead in plural community and carry your burdens faithfully with your friends.
You know too much - So learn to be quiet
It is a weak minded and mean spirited power play to let on to people that you know more than they do. So don’t. You do need to process a lot of the stuff that you know and so again, lead in plurality. You can’t carry pastoral burdens alone, and so they must be shared, but only with those who have signed up to share that burden. To place it on others is unfair and unwise.
What a privilege it is to walk this life together with friends. I am learning to embrace the risk and undeniable reward of being a good friend to the flock that I get to shepherd. The obstacles are real, but good friends overcome them.
Let’s be good friends.
